Healing Comes.

One year ago I went to my 20 week doctor appointment by myself. I told my husband he didn't need to come in an attempt to put my uneasy feelings aside. Unfortunately, as expected, the ultrasound specialist sent me to Maternal Fetal Medicine to further investigate the uncommon findings.
I did not know at the time how this news would effect our lives forever.
I have always heard stories of people who have seasonal/conditional depression and have never understood. Until now. It's amazing how your mind feels the season setting in and allows the feelings, memories and disappointment of bad news to come rushing back. Last year I missed my family Christmas party because I hadn't felt the baby move all day so we rushed into the hospital for a unscheduled ultrasound to find my baby still alive but still not doing well. I am not sure if December will ever be a good memory for me again. It very difficult to put such feelings into words, and when I can't form the words my eyes usually form the tears.

I am not sure of a better way to mention my healing process other than in list form:

1- My boys constantly speak of Crew. They want to buy things for him. Even though they never met him on this Earth they speak as if they have.
2- I can speak about him without crying.
3- I no longer get bothered by insensative comments. I have learned others are just trying to help.
4- I don't cry or think about him every day.
5- I have a necklace that my MIL gave me with his name on it. I wear it on the days that are most difficult, and I feel like I am closer to him.
6- We have tried to make another baby but without success.
7- I am training for a marathon. Running clears my mind and gives me a goal to work toward.
8- We ordered his headstone, which has brought up some new/different feelings of grief.